From a maddened subscriber after Airtel asked me to 'EXPRESS MYSELF'


Dear Airtel,
                       I have to commend your ability to stay awake at 1 A.M in the morning and send me a message everyday for the past one week regarding your latest bikini women. Your varying models, however luscious and malnourished, don’t seem to tantalize my taste buds. I am therefore, unwilling to subscribe for your mms services to receive pictures of your fond women. I still shudder to think what other customers such as myself, do with those pictures once they receive it at the crack of dawn.


Your numerous attempts to lure me into believing that I am talking to the sensuous Vidya Balan or the apparent Greek god, Hritik Roshan, bisexual Sharukh Khan have been most displeasing. All of them seem hell bent on ranting about your prepaid tariffs instead of engaging in a meaningful conversation, such as bitching about fellow bollywood celebrities or Mallika Sherwat’s nudity.

I have to give it to your timing. Just when I am exorcising my bowel movements, you sing for me and want to me to listen to your array of songs. I, for the past 6 years, am a proud user of torrentz. (You must try btjunkie.org, its pretty good) I download all my mp3 illegally from the website and I beg you to keep this as our little secret.

Your continual urge to help me ‘Stay Active’ by using my Airtel sim to make outgoing calls for 8 continuous days in July, just to get 5 more rupees talk time in August, has exasperated me. It has left me in a conundrum of sorts, as to whom to call and what has to be said. After much debate I unhealthily called my X-girlfriend in the hope of getting the extra 5rs, only to be ridiculed and earn her esteemed insolence.


The most ingenious of ideas is the ISD sms I receive promptly at 9:20 A.M. The numerous exclamation marks coerce me into calling the Gulf (where my Malayali friends are safely lodged, illegally some.) at merely rs 12/sec. Your care and concern in helping me keep in touch with my friends is touching. But, after each call I make and have finished listening to his rant about Kaboos with extra mayonnaise and his clever ability to turn coughing syrup into booze, my prepaid balance gets over.

Your concern is further amplified when I receive an sms immediately after the call to recharge my prepaid account. ‘DOUBLE TT!!’, you shout like our country needs me to recharge at the very moment. But the long sms leaves me puzzled. “Recharge Rs.10 and make an outgoing call to get Rs.12TT. Extra TT Rs.6 credited within 48 hours. Valid on 1st recharge between 23rd and 24th July if you want the extra credit. Hurry! Recharge NOW! Don’t be late!” I must say, as I type this, Microsoft believes that there is a grammatical error. You should use Windows Microsoft, it will help you polish your language in your future endeavors. (A pirated copy is available freely in btjunkie.org)

And we could continue with this wonderful cycle everyday but it would only result in my eardrums being burnt listening to my friend’s mallu accent or selling my dad’s Coorg villa to cater to your concerns.
At 11:00 A.M I receive a message saying that it is imperative for me to download the latest Transformers  mobile game at Rs 99. Your ability to discern my boredom is testimonial to the shocking advancements in technology. Enthusiastic about your abilities I download the game, which takes me about 2 hours only to realize that Megan Foxx is fully clothed and Optimus Prime looks like an orangutan.



At 1:13 P.M you automatically ‘renew’ my MMS subscription and charge me Rs.2 for the promptness of your services. I would like to assure you that I have never used your MMS services and it is unfair of you to send me an adjoining message at 1:15 P.M that, should I need to cancel these services, I must text you again and would be charged Rs.3 for such a text. Your Harvard education has been most pleasing in extorting every penny from my pocket.

I don’t receive another message till 6 P.M in the evening. I believe this must be your afternoon siesta when you relax and let your veins soothe after a rather hard day’s work. At 6:14, you are back to business and your work ethic is commendable. You explain that I have received an MMS from 09952996157. And I must log into your GPRS services, whose settings will be sent shortly to check the MMS. I will be charged 1re/kbps for your GPRS services and 2rs to check the MMS. But, there must be an error when you sent this message. 09952996157 is my own number and I do not recall sending myself an MMS. Neither am I an eccentric, nor a psycho engineer or a frustrated chartered accountant to talk to myself. I see, it must be the haziness after the afternoon nap. Forgiven.

At 8:00 P.M, your choice of messages is remarkable. Sometimes its about the 50% discount in Italian fashion underwear. Otherwise, its on the VLCC weight reduction program (my waistline needs to be kept under check. Thank you). But every once in a while, my number has been chosen for 1,00,00,000 rs in a lucky draw. My continual efforts to claim what is rightfully mine have been in vain. I am being told that the transactions are in progress and I will be intimidated on its proceedings, for the past 6 months. After giving my E-Mail Id to receive my bounty, am being bombarded with daily mails on Viagra pills and mails from adultfinder.com to satisfy my libido.

At 10:00 P.M I am further hopeful when I am told that I am “Airtel’s STAR customer.” Only to be told that I “Get full TT on RC of 102rs”. Some STAR customer, I am L


 Your customer care service men/women Princeton education has further exacerbated my Airtel experience. Not only do you charge me 1re per minute I speak to them, I somehow manage to complicate my problems further after each call. And the kind lady I spoke to yesterday managed to keep me on hold for four entire minutes just because I had enquired for your 3G services.

Your beggary on charging an extra re on national holidays under the illusion that you are ‘clearing traffic lines’ has annoyed me to no ends. And I am most dismayed with your new logo which seems to me like a wandering sperm in search of its egg; much like your service, it remains perpetually lost, indecisive and hopeless.

Yours truly,
Frustrated, agonized, displeased, irritated and pissed as hell customer. 

2 comments:

Varun said...

Save yourself the torture and subscribe for DND.

I never receive any promotional communication from Airtel (Tamil Nadu). The same can't be said of my Aircel Karnataka No. - They send me missed calls from their numbers and send me messages that even my girlfriend would envy (had I one).

Sumi Mathai said...

oh my God! u ARE pissed as hell. i subscribed for the DND and saved myself the torture.