CHICKENHOLICS



Being a pure vegetarian is like throwing a saucer at God for putting you in his green earth. It’s an annihilation of mankind.

When God made Sundays he simultaneously made chickens. He wanted human beings to be adventurous and decided to give us the raw product via hens. We make him proud by our innovation. You want to go to heaven without dying?

Ans : 2 kebabs a day. Nirvana!

Even chicks are derived from the word chicken! That’s how highly we boys rate you slim sleek suave svelte women. And for once, trust me when I tell you, that is as big a compliment as it gets.
Chicken is what the flute was to Krishna, war is to Hitler and music is to A. R. Rahman. It is the single soul quenching piece of ambrosia. When mankind roasted hen and in serendipity founded chicken, he stumbled upon the answers to living with harmony and peace.

I assure you that if a vegetarian eats a Kebab, he/she/it will pluck their hair, cut open the scalp, drill the skull and knock your brains with a sledge hammer specially shipped in from the piracy market in China, to not have eaten God’s very own solution to the present day humanitarian crisis.

I mean, it takes a total of 3 hours and 3 steps to solve the crisis in North Korea:

1. Order a million KFC chicken legs.
2. Load it into a Concorde.
3. Drop it in the North Korean president’s humble abode and all over North Korea.
And then send an e- mail or post a comment on the king’s blog asking him if he wants more?
PROBLEM SOLVED!

You want the war between India and Pakistan to get over? Kill the chickens and hold them for ransom (read chickens) END OF STORY!

Chicken touches our souls and relieves us from the pain of our daily work. It has the power to sway human emotions. When I tried to take a small bite from my friend’s chicken, I got a nasty look that wanted to throw me into the dungeons of hell (you don’t get food there, let alone chickens). It’s a matter of life and death. The economy of our very own country depends not on our stock markets but the shares (pun intended) of Chicken consumed by mortal souls. The varying amount of Chicken consumed makes or breaks butchers. A world without Chicken would be like a world without land or a world without water. Chicken teases us and cajoles us. Chicken is the panacea to life.

P.S : Dedicated to (pure)(egg eating)(at times fish)Vegetarians.

14 comments:

G178807 said...

Being vegetarian is an "annihilation of mankind". killer statment adithya!!!!!
In love with your article....
Brillient work....

Vinutha N said...

This one truly stands out !!!
Chicken and Nirvana - Wo !!
Probably KFC , Subway n the others of the same folk wud love to hire this one cuz it vil bcum gr8 marketing strategies

Trishma said...

This is your version of chicken soup for the soul? :P
love the use of language here! miles to go... :)

Anonymous said...

duuuuude awesome man!!! so gorgeous!! your writing is out of this world!! I looove youuuu!!! muaah muaaah i'll always be your biggest, most faithful and adoring fan!! wink wink!!

Love ya baby!!
Byeeeee ..
PS: Cant wait to see more!

siddarth said...

4.5 stars out of 5 stars.

i am deducting 0.5 star only because u have ignored all other non-veg delicacies!

and for the sake of being a critique - i didn't like this part. it is offensive to women.

"Even chicks are derived from the word chicken! That’s how highly we boys rate you slim sleek suave svelte women. And for once, trust me when I tell you, that is as big a compliment as it gets."

sorry da i can't betray my teacher. 6 months of feminism isn't a joke.

but i love the next paragraph -
"Chicken is what the flute was to Krishna, war is to Hitler and music is to A. R. Rahman. It is the single soul quenching piece of ambrosia. When mankind roasted hen and in serendipity founded chicken, he stumbled upon the answers to living with harmony and peace."

lol!!!


:)

Anonymous said...

Adi

Too good; you are becoming better by the day. I was hoping that I can learn to write like you one day; but after reading this, I have chickened out of the race.

I would rather chase a chick rather than trying to learn writing like you.

- Saba Mama

Marianne de said...

You are lucky I am no 'chick' and never get offended!
Well written, humour is your strong point, a big plus point for a journo, believe you me!

manu said...

Your chauvinistic side creeps in again!.... :D
But considering that language does not stop evolving I would not be surprised if my great great grand kids believe that "chic" is the most acceptable way of referring to a dame!....
My favourite : "You want the war between India and Pakistan to get over? Kill the chickens and hold them for ransom (read chickens) END OF STORY!"
Love the pun although it wasn't intended!
and my oh my! where did you find that cartoonist???.... :D.... hilarious!

smita said...

Look, am not going to bring up same old fight btw veg and non-veggies at the end of the day , u guys enjoy a meal( feast ) at some one else's loss .. At the rate at which u guys are slaughtering the chicken, a day will come when chickens will go extinct (because of u people) and u will boil down to eating the vegetables...

Ps: a lil bit of fact - About 117,853,973 chickens are killed on an average every day …
Well, I c that day coming soon :):)

Kirti :-) said...

I really like your analogy when you spoke of how chicken is as much as krishna's flute was to him. ha ha. This is nice stuff. Great phraseology, and a serious-seeming-write up in spite of the presence of several humorous one liners. Very neat!

Yulia D'Souza said...

great stuff again....now when is KFC opening up down here??? i'm starved for some decent chicken.......

farhaan madar said...

hilarious!and very very amusing.and i must go and learn some more adjectctives to do justice in describing this wonderfully crafted article.
about a month back i heard this most bizzare but very sound logic reasoning from a good friend about how mankind is doing the chickens a favour by 'hammering' chicken! he told me that chicken has become so indespensible to man that if and when man does start to inhabit Mars or Saturn or the next galaxy-- he cannot but take chicken along with him.and thus , according to him , the chicken is actually helping itself by making it impossible for man to live without it!!!!
and the most astonishing part was that this came from a guy who is a pakka vegetarian.
and for what its worth -- his name is also,like the owner of this blog, adhitya !!!

Joel said...

I loved the pic....
Coooko dooko
I remember Govil hahaha

Adi said...

HA HA! Totally! Man, i miss that guy and how we use to bully him. Reminds me of how som had scars in his hand AND the ill kill govil in true GAJHINI style on his neck!!!!